It's time to put on your dala glasses
We're gonna make this fun!
But serious ...
BUT FUN!!
But Serious.
BUT FUNNNNN!!!!!!!
Seriously though, this subject is important, yet I believe it's useful to lighten up - if we take this too seriously, we're just gonna end up feeling bad about ourselves.
After all,
I'm about to ask you a simple question.
Are You Acting Like An A-Hole To Yourself?
just a minute
just a minute ...
Note,
I said to yourself.
Dala is "Directions for Acting Like an Adult" or "Don't Act Like an A-Hole"
But the only person this matters to is yourself.
It's all you today.
You and yourself.
Or if you prefer to get a little crazy, you can have a discussion between Me Myself and I.
What You Say and What You Do
In the most fundamental way, DALA means this:
When what you say and what you do are in alignment, you are acting like an adult.
When what you say and what you do are NOT in alignment, you are acting like an a-hole.
If you'd like to see our principled view on DALA1, check out our original article here:
Today we're going to explore some ways to stop acting like an a-hole and get yourself in order.
How does Acting Like An Adult look?
An example. From your desire to be more present and spend more time with your kids, you say:
"When I'm home and done with work, I'm going to put my phone away and not look at it so that I can make sure I'm more present with my kids in the time I have."
Note: specificity, doing less, alignment of action.
Why that specificity?
Trackable measurable action. You said you'd put your phone away and not look at it. Did you do that?
Why doing less?
It's easier to remove than it is to add.
Why alignment between specific words and actions?
Because that's acting like an adult.
If you fail to have that alignment, if you fail to do what you say, or say what you do, that's acting like an a-hole.
If you feel confronted and shamed by that - don't be.
Acting like an adult also includes acknowledging the full truth of when you are NOT. Only by walking that path can you affect the change necessary to have the behavior and outcome you desire.
We're not infallibly perfect people. There are times when we put our foot on the break and the gas at the same time. The skill and mastery is in acknowledging it and moving past it sooner.
It's not about judgement. It's about honesty.
You need that honesty in order to get what you really want in life.
But more on that soon.
A World of Expectations
There's external expectation. There's internal expectation. And then there's the actions you actually take.
What we care about,
Is your own internal expectation, what you say about yourself and what you're going to do, and what you actually end up doing.
Why is this important?
Because when you say "what I care about is spending more time with my kids" and then you make decisions that lead to you spending *less* time with your kids ...
There's a major gap there in yourself.
A dissonance which not only causes internal problems for yourself but creates a scenario where it's very difficult to actually get what you want in life.
Actions that take you away from what you say you want, OR lies to yourself about what you really want.
How can you be living the life you desire - getting what you want in life, if you're saying you want one thing but acting counter to what you say you desire?
Where DALA Problems Come From
Conflict between internal and external expectations.
Your internal expectations are complicated, and made all the more difficult to figure out if you are not clear on yourself, who you are, and what you really want in life.
It's easy to allow external expectations to influence our internal expectations, and then that leads us down a really confusing path.
An external expectation can be, "I should work more" driven by a desire to appear busy, studious, productive, etc. You can't actually lie to yourself about how productive you are being, or what you are accomplishing. So a lot of the times our idea "I should work more" is driven by the way we think other people are going to judge us.
"I should" ... anything really, is almost always driven by an external expectation.
Think about how the concept of "should" is applied. I should work out more, because other people work out more, because other people say working out more is the answer to my problems and what I desire.
When you look internally, the questions and ideas become different.
When it's an internally driven expectation, the thought isn't "I should work out more," it's more clear. I would like to be moving more than I am, and going to the gym to work out will solve that problem.
(You might still "should" yourself on that, and that's where the external and internal expectation mixes up and gets confusing)
I lay it out like this because I think it's useful to look at all the places where you say "I should do/be/have" and then ask yourself "where does that come from?"
Why it's useful to consider where your expectations come from is because they set the stage for being an a-hole to yourself.
"I should workout more", as an external expectation because other people work out more will lead you to say "I'm going to work out more" which can easily lead you to being an a-hole to yourself when you fail to work out more.
So.
Let's stop all that nonsense,
m'kay?
We're going to put on our DALA glasses today,
Look deeply and critically at ourselves, our lives, what we say, what we do, and walk through how to make sure we are acting like adults in order to get what we really want.
Sound good?
Let's do it ...