Foundations. DALA: Directions For Acting Like An Adult...or something like that
Level 1: ...And That's Okay
Question for you, dearest reader. Ever feel like you’re trying reallly hard, but nothing seems to get you what you want?
Why does this happen?
Well, to be honest, there are a lot of reasons it could be happening. It’s possible that you want something ridiculous like gravity to stop working or a million dollar to show up under your pillow randomly. It’s also possible that what you want is reasonable but your time horizon isn’t. You want to fit in your favorite bikini again? Reasonable. By next weekend? Probably not.
Assuming that what you want and the timeline you want it is within the realm of reason the thing most likely hold you back is the reality that…
You have one foot pushing harder on the gas pedal and another pushing harder on the brake(s).
You can push harder on the gas the pedal, supercharge your vehicle with NOS, make it lighter, more aerodynamic - or whatever. Until you take your foot off the brake, all you’re really doing is pushing harder and increasing the probability you take yourself out of the game completely.
Wanna go faster? Take your foot off the brake.
Wanna get there with less risk? Less effort? Take your foot off the brake.
In other words; stop doing things that lead to outcomes you don’t want.
It’s an extension of “appreciate when bad things don’t happen” - we call it DALA.
DALA
DALA stands for:
“Directions For Acting Like An Adult.” or
“Don’t Act Like An A-Hole.”
Whichever you prefer.
It’s not a phrase used to judge other people. Disagreeing with me doesn’t make you an a-hole. Me not liking you doesn’t make you an a-hole. It has nothing to do with what I think about you - it has to do with how you behave relative to your priorities.
If you do things that get you further away from what you want - and then complain about it - you’re being an asshole. Not to me, to yourself (and the people that have to listen to you complain).
If you say that your number one priority is spending more time with your kids and then continue to make decisions that lead to spending less time with them, you’re being an asshole. If you continue to do both and then complain about it, you’re being a bigger one.
..and it’s not because you’re spending less time with your kids. It’s because there is a disconnect. You’re either 1) doing things that get you further away from what you want or 2) not being honest about what you want. One of those things needs to change. If you were to have an honest conversation with yourself and realize that spending more time with your kids is not your priority - that’s okay. You’re no longer being an a-hole.
Just to beat this dead horse…DALA is not a judgment of what you want. It’s a recognition of behaviors diametrically opposed to espoused beliefs, values and priorities. That means you don’t necessarily have to behave differently to DALA - there are two levers to pull. Being honest with yourself about your priorities - changing your words - is just as effective.
Your life is yours to live. You want what you want. DALA is a reminder to stop tripping yourself up and then complaining about it.
DALA simply means align the two. Stop doing the things that prevent you from getting what you say you want. Or, be honest with yourself about what you actually want.
The Guardian Academy exists to help you get what you want out of life - not to tell you what you should want or judge you for not wanting what we do.
Aligning Behavior To Goals
What happens when we notice that our behavior is not aligned with what we say that we want? Here’s our recommendation:
Approach The Situation With Curiosity, Not Judgment, Guilt or Shame.
When we approach the situation with curiosity and without defensiveness, we can ask ourself some honest questions:
Is there a gap between my words and my actions?
Which is more accurate, my words or my behaviors?
Hm. Curious. I wonder why…?
I say that I want more time with the kids, but I keep taking on more projects which keeps me at the office later. There is a gap. Which one is more honest?
Most of the time, the behavior is more honest and the words are a some version of what we think we are supposed to say.
“Should” Is The Most Dangerous Word in The A-hole’s Playbook
You think you should want to spend more time with your kids. But at this stage of your career, the project you’re working on is your priority. Your actions express this, you stay late at work every night.
And if you’re really honest with yourself, you are spending exactly the right amount of time with your kids. You just think you should spend more time with them because of other people’s expectations.
If you allow for this honest self assessment, you will feel like less of an A-hole when you have a late night at the office. You can also build more allegiance capital (that’s a topic for another article) by communicating with your family.
Before, the expectations on yourself might have been that you’re home every day by dinner. But you end up missing dinner every night.
You feel like an A-hole.
But after a conversation with your family, you realize that they’re perfectly happy with your undivided attention on the weekend. They are fine with you missing dinner if it allows you to be present on the weekend.
Aligning behavior with current values not only allows you to move forward, it allows you to remove friction in the system by having honest conversations with people that matter to you.
As long as what you say you want and how you act are in opposition there will be a constant, low grade friction - like driving around with the e-brake on. The low grade friction eventually turns into catastrophe.
DALA.
Leave This Loop Open1 And Reflect.
Live to learn. Give to Earn.
Guardian Academy.
Resources
16 hours of DALA- Nicsmas 2021
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