The Adaptive Dilemma Pt. 1: Language and Self Efficacy
Level 3: Master of Mundane
Future Guardian,
I’m assuming that you want things to get better for you in life. You’d like to find a way to increase the probability that you get exactly what you want to live a fulfilled life.
If this assumption is false, you can stop reading and go about your day.
However, if the statement is true, read on. We’re going to open some loops and hope that you sit with them for a bit.
What Is The Adaptive Dilemma?
Technology improves in leaps and bounds.
The human condition does not.
But why not?
The Adaptive Dilemma, which we will break down in a three part series exploring how and why the human condition doesn’t improve nearly as fast as the technology available to us - and what you can do about it.
Today, in part 1, we will specifically explore the roles of language and self-perception.
Karpman’s Drama Triangle
Karpman’s Drama Triangle suggests that there are three roles that need to be filled for drama to start, continue, and compound.
The Victim- Says “I’m helpless”. Oftentimes, they are completely unaware they are playing the role of the victim, which is why thinking deeply about your language is so important.
More on that shortly.
The Rescuer– Says “Let me save you.” The rescuer is the “savior”. They are generally the most dangerous of the three.
In an attempt to avoid their own problems - but still feel productive - they seek other people to rescue.
The rescuer will carry people that are capable of learning how to walk on their own. This effectively cripples those people for life - and the rescuer will pat themselves on the back for it.
In order for the rescuer to maintain their position, they need someone to rescue -a victim. In order for there to be a victim, there needs to be a villain.
The Persecutor.
Don’t get us wrong, there are absolutely nefarious people - real villains. But the reality is that most “villains” are made up. Strangely, not by the victim but by the rescuer.
The rescuer needs the victim to remain a victim, or else they have to face their own problems.
One person can (and will) often rotate through all three roles, depending on which one allows them to avoid their own issues or best serves them at the time.
How can you avoid being stuck in a perpetual drama triangle?
Refuse to rescue people that are capable of helping themselves.
Stop victimizing yourself.
In both cases the path is the same: work on your own stuff.
Generally speaking, the most efficient and effective way to remove yourself from the triangle starts with examining your colloquial speech.
Language Matters
Auditing and thinking deeply about your own language:
Revisit the Rocky Road1 if you need a refresher
Precision in questions (Are you asking what you mean to ask?)
Precision in answers (Are you answering the question that was asked?)
Colloquial speech patterns and self efficacy.
Precision In Questions
Often, we are not asking what we think we are asking. Here are three samples of questions which we will audit:
What is protein?
What is crypto?
Are Oreos bad?
So what is protein?
If you asked this question, this probably wasn’t the answer you were looking for. Most of the time when someone asks “What is protein?” they really meant to ask:
“Should I eat more protein?”
“How much protein should I eat?”
“How do I know if I’m eating enough protein?”
“How do I know if I need more protein?”
”What happens if I don’t eat enough protein?”
Those are entirely different questions than “what is protein?”
Imagine if someone answered your question “what is protein” with an academic, dictionary answer. But you really wanted to know if you should eat more protein. It would probably irritate you!
But that’s your fault - you didn’t ask what you meant to ask. And you believe it’s the other person’s responsibility to guess what you actually meant.
Unfortunately, most of us aren’t mind readers.
If you cannot articulate an effective question, you cannot get an effective answer.
The inability to get an effective answer leads to feelings of helplessness and the first step to victimhood.
Before you ask “what is crypto?” or “are Oreos bad?” think deeply about what you are actually trying to ask.
Do you want to know if you should invest in crypto?
Do you want to know if you should keep Oreos in the house? Or how many you are allowed to eat? Or can Oreos come to life like the toys in Toy Story with nefarious intentions?
Practice the art of articulating effective questions.
It will improve your self-efficacy - and help keep you from drifting into the triangle.
Precision In Answers
Now, the other side of the coin.
Asking what you mean to ask it important.
So is answering what was actually asked.
Back these three examples:
What is protein?
What is crypto?
Are Oreos bad?
If someone asks “what is crypto?” and your response is “You should definitely get some Bitcoin”
You’re not answering the question asked. Instead, you’re making a leap of logic -an assumption - about what they are trying to ask.
It’s possible that they may actually have meant to ask “What crypto should I buy?” But to keep yourself and the other person out of the triangle, you must clarify before answering.
Recognize that in order to answer the question, you have to make a leap of logic - and then stress test that leap by asking for clarity.
Example:
Them: “What is crypto?”
You: “Do you want to know what crypto is, or do you want to know if you should purchase some? Or are you asking which one you should buy? I want to make sure I am answering the question you’re asking.”
Once they clarify their true intentions, answer the question that was asked - not the one you think they meant to ask.
The right people will appreciate that you have taken the time to clarify. People that don’t like to use their brain will likely be triggered - which is a sign they live in and want to drag you into their triangle.
When not made explicit, assumptions create the illusion of communication.
The illusion of communication leads to reality not meeting expectations.
Reality not meeting expectations leads to anxiety and feelings of helplessness.
Ask what you mean to ask.
Answer the question that was asked.
Both take practice…and that’s okay.
Colloquial Speech Patterns & Self Efficacy
Specificity in questions and answers will improve dialogue with others.
Examining our everyday, colloquial speech will improve our thought process and dialogue with ourself.
We often victimize ourselves without knowing it.
Here’s an example:
“Oreos make me fat.”
This implies that a sleeve of Oreos snuck into your apartment and tied you down while you were asleep and then forced themselves down your throat against your will.
That’s probably not what happened.
Contrast the above statement with:
“I don’t have very good self control around Oreos, I can’t eat just one or two of them. So, it’s best for me not to keep them around the house”
This might seem like it’s basically the same thing. It’s not.
In the second statement you have acknowledged your personal role in both creating the unfavorable outcome and your power to prevent it.
The first statement - “Oreos make me fat” is a victimizing statement - and it’s untrue.
The second statement implies that you are aware of reality and have control over the outcome.
Other popular example:
“Bitcoin wrecked me.”
This implies that you were walking down the street, minding your own business when a giant Bitcoin rolled down the street and rolled over your leg or something.
Again, probably not the case.
Contrast that with:
“I invested too heavily into Bitcoin and was not prepared for the time it would take for it mature - I thought it would hit $100k last December”
One more:
“Exercise doesn’t work for me.”
Contrast that with:
“I have tried to exercise, but I have not gotten the results that I expected”**
**In this case, we are taking responsibility for our own expectation(s) - which may have been unreasonable.
Can you see the difference?
The latter examples, we are taking responsibility for our role in the outcome. It doesn’t change the outcome, but it keeps us out of triangle and gives us power over future outcomes.
Examine your own language. Catch yourself when you make statements about your life without acknowledging your role in it.
“Valid Vs Useful”
One of the tricks to improve your ability to both ask and answer questions is thinking in terms validity vs utility.
Revisiting TGA Foundations 12, when we are communicating we have to be able to discern:
“Am I trying to be valid (right) or useful (helpful)?”
They are different things.
There is no right or wrong answer, they are just different things.
To stay out of the drama triangle, we find it best to orient towards being useful.
Instead of proving how smart you are or how many things you know, focus on how to be helpful to the person across from you.
The Adaptive Dilemma can seem harsh… and that’s okay.
You are human, which means you have a tremendous capacity to do amazing things. Focusing on language can help unlock or unleash that capacity.
Recap
Reflect on the questions you ask.
Are your assumptions explicit?
Are you assuming the assumption of others?
Are you victimizing yourself unknowingly?
Reflect on the answers you give.
Are your assumptions explicit?
Are you victimizing others (or allowing them to victimize themselves) unknowingly?
Sit with it for a bit, reflect, journal, discuss, and then drop your 6WU below
Wisdom Comes From Multiple Perspectives
Drop your 6WU into the Adaptive Dilemma Thread: Twitter
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